On setting boundaries, feeling awful, and doing it anyway

+ this week's class: Sediments Meditation (12 mins)

I’ve set a few boundaries in my time. Big ones. Ones that’ve irreparably changed some of my relationships. And yes, I flit between feeling proud of myself for setting the boundary in the first place, and feeling like a fucking lump of a human who tells people willy-nilly to fuck off when they annoy me.

A girlfriend recently reminded me, though: these boundaries have come from my mission to live a more joyful life. It doesn’t mean I’m not there for my friends (because I am), it does mean that I’m uncompromising in the way I want my life to unfold.

What the hell are boundaries, anyway?

Photo by Taneli Lahtinen on Unsplash

I don’t want to share all the gory details — I still care about these people — so let’s just get to the bones: setting boundaries isn’t just about telling your boss you don’t want to be available via email after 9pm thank you very much (although, hell yes to this conversation); it’s also about recognising when there’s a sinkhole in your life, and taking the steps to remove it.

Having conversations around your boundaries is actually about putting yourself first.

Cue sharp intake of breath.

But isn’t that selfish?

Perhaps. But here’s my thinking on the word ‘selfish’: it’s got a really bad rep. We don’t want to be selfish people, sure; we don’t want to shit on others, we want to share resources, we want to be there for people when they need us. But, in order to show up for people and the world in these ways, we need to protect our peace first.

Cue the old “fill your cup before you fill anyone else’s” adage.

Skip this — put everyone else first always — and you’ll find yourself burned out, exhausted, pissed off, and angry. Not only will you be more likely to get stressed easier, get unwell quicker, and sleep like a really frustrating newborn (because hasn’t the expression ‘sleep like a baby’ got it all wrong?!), you’ll not be able to show up for others in the real, meaningful ways you want to.

So maybe we reframe it. Maybe instead of ‘selfish’ mentality (bad rep), we call it a a self-first mentality.

And in order for us to live the lives we want to — with joy, and softness, and space — we must lean towards this self-first mentality.

How do you set boundaries?

Photo by Muhamad Rizal Firmansyah on Unsplash

It comes back to everything I ever talk about: feeling first. How do you know where the sinkholes are in your life if you’re not willing to take a long, scary, hard look inside?

I talk about nervous system regulation every damn day because it’s vital: if you learn to feel, if you learn to respond accordingly, your life gets more joyful. Fact.

While we’re outsourcing how we should show up in the world, how we should look, act, communicate, work, play… to tweens on TikTok or influencers on Instagram, we’re not living in alignment with ourselves, we’re not feeling into our own valid, human needs — we’re skipping out on appropriate responses for those needs when we’re living through those of others (or the algorithm).

This internal feeling ability is known as interoception, and it’s as simple as slowing down and checking in more often. How does this feel? How does THIS feel? Building this ‘feeling’ ability is the same as building a muscle, or any other skill: repeat often, see progress.

So once we understand the basics (and, by the way, this is the basics behind nervous system regulation, too. Not only are we setting our mother-flippin’ boundaries here, girlfriend, we’re regulating our entire system too. Read more on this here), we can take stock. Where in your life do you feel depleted? Jaded? Frustrated? Exhausted? What in your life is sapping your energy?

Once you know that, we can take appropriate steps. Can you accept this drain on your life? Sometimes the answer’s a clear yes, sometimes we can’t do much to change this thing, so crack on we must.

If you’re struggling to accept it, though, maybe there’s a window for change. Mostly, this is about having brave, honest, open (and fucking terrifying) conversations. And let me tell you the super power I think Marvel needs to look into ASAP: brave, honest, open (and fucking terrifying) communication.

I don’t want to mis-sell this: this is bloody hard. There’s a reason Tinder is full of people ghosting each other. But here’s the prompt that’s helped me: is accepting this drain in your life helping you show up for yourself in a self-first way?

Don’t get me wrong. Life is hard, suffering is built-in, and sometimes we gotta show up and do the shitty work even when it’s knackering or frustrating.

But sometimes we really don’t, and that’s the entire point of boundaries.

Recognise the drain, understand whether this is something that new Marvel superpower can handle, and strap up for an honest and open communication.

How to have hard conversations

Photo by Ibrahim Rifath on Unsplash

I’m not the guru of this, but I’ve done it enough times to have some battle scars. Here’s what I know:

• Prepare beforehand. Can you have the conversation face-to-face in neutral territory? If not, what’s the best alternative? What do you need to say? Do you just need space? Something else? Figure this out first.

• Don’t be a dickhead. No one’s to blame, here. This is about sharing your personal feelings and what you need, not attacking the other person or yourself.

• The fall-out is real. It’s not going to be pleasant, but you either continue with the drain in your life that’s sapping your energy and happiness, or have an uncomfortable conversation that sets a boundary. Only one of these gives you peace.

• Expect a vulnerability hangover — it’s natural, and it’s okay.

The vulnerability hangover

Post-convo, you’ll feel like the worst person on the planet. Especially if the person you’ve communicated with took it less than lightly (and that’s okay — it’s not up to you how they respond).

You’ll wonder if you got it wrong. You’ll maybe get angry, or you’ll try to fully demonise the person when they’re probably (definitely) just trying their best in an imperfect world, too.

Then you’ll feel really, really sad.

Post hard-conversation sadness can be brutal. Maybe you’re the reason someone else is upset right now, and that’s never easy to sit with. Maybe your conversation heralds a total shift in your relationship, or your life.

Allow this to be hard, allow yourself to grieve; release the anger or demonising, and just let it be a sad, challenging transition.

And let me remind you of this:

Your life is unpredictable, wildly short (we’ll be super old before we know it), scary, and painful. Most of the things that happen in life we have zero control over, and we must learn to respond with grace and kindness if we want to retain some form of contentment. But there are some things in life we DO have control over. You get to be the architect sometimes, and that’s what setting a boundary is; deciding what you’re not allowing into the building anymore, and being brave enough to communicate it.

Setting boundaries with people has been one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do. But ultimately, it’s given me courage to speak up for myself, lessons in what I’ll not allow in my life, and way more peace.

Final note: we’re adults, so no, ghosting someone is not a fucking option.

---

If you’re sitting in the boundary-setting fall-out — the vulnerability hangover, the shakiness, the sadness, the second-guessing — or if you’re just plain-old struggling with the chaos of life right now, I’ve got something that might help.

This week’s class (for paying subscribers to Joyful, learn about upgrading here) is a short, grounding meditation called Sediments (12 mins). It’s designed to help you notice what’s stirred up — the reactivity, the overthinking, the emotional sediment — and let it settle.

It’s gentle, but potent. Perfect if you’re going through something, or just need to come back to yourself.

This is how we become more easy-going. Not by avoiding the hard stuff, but by learning to soften around it.

(Missed out on last week’s session? Find it — a perfect stress-release movement class — here.)

Not a paying subscriber yet?

You’ve followed the influencers. Taken the free classes. Downloaded the apps. Listened and read and tried your best.

And yet you’re still feeling burnt out, overwhelmed, and you’re wondering why the hell it’s so hard.

Because your nervous system doesn’t need more content. It needs something real and rooted and designed for people like you — people who care, but are tired of trying so hard.

That’s what Joyful is.

Not just yoga, but nervous system restoration.
Not just inspiration, but grounded guidance.
Not just a monthly membership, but a space to come home to yourself.

Get instant access to the full The Yoga Revolution class library, weekly class picks, daily practice suggestions, and every post I write.

(Learn more about what the paid subscription involves here.)