Being Flexible with Habits & Routines

Why letting go of rigid routines can bring you more joy.

I’ve just spent a few days with my family in Staithes. For those of you who don’t know, Staithes was one of the busiest fishing ports in the north-east UK in the 1800s, and is now Airbnb- and holiday let-central. Tiny streets, cobbled lanes, a lone pub, and plenty of fossils on the beach—you get the picture. 

This trip—with my brother and my dad—was one of those memory-making ones. My 41 year-old brother was playing in rock pools, my 78 year-old dad was climbing over walls; we sat by the fire, watched movies, played games, hunted for fossils… 

My plan whilst on this trip: to make time every day to read a work-related book (I’m absolutely loving

Hype Yourself

by Lucy Werner (both her Substack and book)), maintain some semblance of my morning routines, and basically be a balanced, holidaying goddess.

And guess what happened? My morning routine went out the window, I didn’t pick up the book once, and the consequential layers of guilt and unease set in. 

Why can’t I stick to my habits? Am I actually just useless? Wasn't this trip supposed to make me feel more balanced, not less? 

Why we cling to habits and routines 

I have approximately a million of them. From morning meditation to music theory; yoga nidra to walks in the woods. The number of habits I attempt to maintain on a regular basis is almost impossible. When I get there, ticking off all or most of them in a day, I’m winning at life; I’m probably in the follicular phase of my cycle, energised, feeling positive and in control. These habits give me structure, help me feel anchored and balanced, and—I don’t need to tell you this—but these sorts of routines move us toward growth, health, and balance.

When I don’t manage to keep up with them, however, it can be really shit. There’s a feeling of guilt and overwhelm, there’s even a destructive pattern that can make me avoid doing any positive habits because the weight of all of them is just too much. I’ve been there and I know you probably have, too: it’s the ultimate in feeling like a failure.

You can’t even keep up a 5-minute daily meditation habit? LOSER! Everyone on social media is able to (and I mean, EVERYONE), Andrew Huberman would probably laugh at you for being so useless, and you call yourself a yoga teacher!?

That guilt, though? The shitty self-talk? This is the crap that makes it all feel worse.

On that trip, I felt it. The little voice in my head kept nagging, "You should be doing morning movement. You should be reading that book. You should be sticking to your routines." Instead of enjoying the memory-making, the cute little cottage, the time with my family, I spent way too much mental energy on the shoulds.

This is where things start to get messy; routines are there to serve us, not the other way around. When we become rigid about maintaining them, especially in situations where it’s just not all that feasible, the joy of the experience gets tainted by guilt and self-criticism. And let me tell you: nothing kills the joy of a trip away with your family faster than feeling like a failure because you missed a couple days of meditation.

This has been a long-time lesson for me. Along with spontaneous trips with the family, I’m in a long-distance relationship (with a guy who has absolutely zero semblance of routine except for feeding his dog and taking showers so hot they’d cook an egg—opposites attract, I guess), so I often find myself in London for long stretches of time with him. And guess what? That time in London is exactly the same; I struggle with my routines, I don’t tick off the habits in the same way, and the guilt leads me down a road lined with self-destruction and too-much chocolate. 

This doesn’t have to mean anything about you

You’re not a failure, you’re not useless or worthless, and you’re not self-sabotaging (a concept that, thanks to my therapist, I now realise is making ourselves out to be our worst enemy, which can be hugely derailing on its own. Most often, your ‘self-sabotaging’ is just ways for your childhood-you to protect yourself. Once you’re aware of these protective ways, it’s much easier to spot them and move on. Waffle for another day, perhaps).

You, my friend, just like me, need softness.

We need to build habits and routines that are allowed to have wiggle room for when life happens. We’re aiming to improve our mindset, our health, our lives in some ways, right? If we’re not able to be resilient, to allow these things to shift to accommodate the messiness of reality, if we’re feeling trapped by these routines, we’re not really working toward those goals, are we?

Sometimes, what’s more nourishing than sticking to your morning routine, or doing the thing, is allowing yourself to let them go. 

Here’s what I’ve found helpful: rather than trying to force your habits when the situation isn’t ideal, give yourself the gift of flexibility. Maybe it’s doing a 5-minute movement session rather than your normal 40. Maybe it’s skipping it altogether. The key here is to allow yourself to wallow in the softness of reality with an open heart and mind. 

How to get more flexible with your habits:

1. Know the intention behind them. Why do you do these routines? Is it to feel grounded, connected, energised, peaceful? Can you find those feelings in a different, easier, more bitesize way when your usual routine isn’t possible? 

2. Redefine success. Maybe that’s a shorter version of your routine, an adapted version of that habit, or maybe it’s quitting them entirely and just showing up and being present for whatever your day brings without judgement (did you read that last bit, friend? Without judgement—that’s the key). 

3. Be gentle with yourself. When things aren’t going to plan, when your habits and routines are out the window, meet yourself with softness, not rigidity. This isn’t the end of the world, or the undoing of all your hard work. You’ll get plenty of opportunities to return to your habits later. Right now, treat yourself kindly and lean into what’s happening around you. Promise it’s better without the guilt and that lens of failure. 

4. Allow. Allow what’s happening to be what’s happening. Changes in your routine and the dropping of habits aren’t failures—read that again. This is part of the rhythm of being alive. 

Life is always going to be messy and unpredictable, and no amount of habit-stacking will change that. You’re not a failure for skipping a few days, and you’re not self-sabotaging. The magic, really, is in realising this and leaning into the balance between structure and flexibility; between showing up for your routines and knowing when to let them go. 

Next time your routines go out the window because life is happening in interesting ways, remember: you’re not failing, you’re living. And that’s what these habits are meant to support in the first place: living your most joyful life. 

PS. I’m going to London tomorrow and I’ll probably throw it all out the window experimentally and see if I can remain judgement-free. Wish me luck!

PPS. Become a paid subscriber to read part 2 of this essay and learn practical ways to build flexible habits.

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Are you like me with the insane-number of habits? Or more like my routine-less boyfriend?

What’s the habit you wish you could maintain but struggle to?

What’s the thing that derails you from your habits most often?

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